Trying to manage your emotions better? Use 4 questions to distinguish facts from interpretations

Imagine this.

Steve is presenting a project in a meeting. A key stakeholder, John, barely makes eye contact and spends much of the time typing on his laptop.

Steve feels disrespected and belittled. He starts wondering: Does John not value my contribution? Is he deliberately undermining me in front of others?

Feeling angry, Steve turns to someone he trusts to talk about what happened.

In a recent emotional intelligence workshop, I asked participants how they would help Steve deal with the situation constructively.

Some would share similar experiences. Others would jump straight to advice. One even suggested that Steve shouldn't worry about it because John was an idiot!

Most, however, recognised the importance of listening and asking questions before offering solutions.

But which questions could make a real difference?

Drawing on my 20 years of executive experience and my work facilitating corporate workshops, I suggest starting with four questions:

1. What actually happened?

Separate observable facts from assumptions.

2. What interpretation did you give to what happened?

Identify the perception behind your reaction.

3. How did that interpretation make you feel?

Notice how your thinking influenced your emotions.

4. What are some other plausible explanations?

Consider alternatives before deciding how to respond.

Why does this matter?

The aim is to create enough distance between what happened and what you assumed it meant to choose your response more deliberately.

That small pause can make a difference in how we handle disagreements, feedback and difficult workplace conversations.

Next time you feel unsettled, consider these steps to get a fresher perspective and manage your feelings more constructively.

With proper training, we can transform our emotions into allies.