The common mistakes we make when we're angry… and how to avoid them.

Have you ever spent hours replaying an argument in your head?

Maybe it was a family member who made an inappropriate comment at a family gathering. A colleague who pissed you off at work. Or a neighbour who spoke to you disrespectfully.

Anger is one of the emotions I discuss most often in counselling. Not because it's inherently bad, but because many of us don't know how to respond to it in a healthy way.

The Two Extremes

When we're angry, we tend to fall into one of two extremes:

1. We “bottle up” and avoid the conversation

We tell ourselves, "They're not worth my time." So we stay quiet.

But the conversation doesn't really end. Instead, it continues in our minds. We replay what happened, imagine what we should have said, and ruminate for hours or even days.

2. We blow up without a filter

The other extreme is to say everything we've been holding back, without a filter.

It may feel cathartic for a few moments, but the conversation can quickly escalate. Afterwards, we're left dealing with the consequences, and sometimes regretting what we said or did.

The Healthier Alternative: Assertive Communication

There's a better option that sits right in the middle of avoidance and explosion: assertive communication.

The key is not to have the conversation in the heat of the moment. Give yourself time to calm your body first. Go for a walk, hit a boxing bag, scream in the shower. Whatever helps you release the intensity without hurting yourself or someone else.

Once you're calmer, follow these three steps.

1. Describe the behaviour that bothered you

Stick to the facts. Avoid labels, accusations, or assumptions about the other person's intentions.

For example:

"At dinner, you said I wasn't a good parent in front of everyone."

2. Explain the impact

Share how the situation affected you emotionally.

For example:

"I felt hurt, embarrassed and disrespected."

3. Make a clear request

Tell the other person what you would like them to do differently next time.

For example:

"Next time, I'd appreciate it if you spoke to me privately rather than bringing it up in front of everyone."

Why It Matters

Being assertive helps us express ourselves with honesty, respect and self-respect.

Save this. You'll probably need it sooner than you think.